ONE – You dream of a world where business communications are human, honest and without a hint of artifice. A world where you won’t be on the receiving end of a torrent of devious stratagems. A world where those who promote hype are treated with as much ridicule and scorn as those who espouse the belief that Elvis is still alive… Or you just want to be able to write jokes.
TWO – You’re thankful for being introduced to the words ‘stratagem’ and ‘artifice’, and you appreciate the cunning manner in which they were deployed.
THREE – You like what Charm Offensive represents. You think “he’s not a bad guy, for a marketer” while agreeing with the notion, like I do, that I deserve food, shelter and the occasional 4 am trip in an Uber even though the terrifying night bus stops right outside my house.
FOUR – You’d prefer to use words to express your discontent rather than sticks and stones because you don’t believe you’d thrive in a prison environment. I hear the broadband inside can be painfully slow at times and to add insult to injury, you’re forced to use Internet Explorer while the prison guards callously mock your plight. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to learn the true definition of scarcity.
FIVE – You don’t find my shtick at all entertaining and would give anything (or $290, whichever is greater) to be able to write a snarky article like this one with me as the target of your derision, shrewdly deploying my own tactics against me, shattering my confidence and setting me on a wayward path to self-destruction. That’ll show future me, the regretful scumbag!
SIX – You have $290, $490 or $990 that’s not doing anything but lounging around, contributing nothing to your life while lazily taking up space in your bank account. Show your deadbeat money who’s boss, like a father out of a 90s movie might angrily deploy his son to military school because he’s not traditionally masculine enough [¹].
SEVEN – Like me, you weren’t conscientious or bothered enough to invest in bitcoin when it was only worth several (admittedly hefty) pieces of pocket lint and now you’re terrified you’ve missed the boat. Don’t invest in bitcoin, invest in yourself, and your ability to write amusing little diatribes about topics you know almost nothing about.
EIGHT – You’d like to express your stupid opinions online and for them to be valued and appreciated, rather than humoured and ignored. Of course, you could spend countless hours improving your capacity for reasoned debate but where’s the fun in that? Nobody wins arguments on the Internet anyway. The best you can do is skillfully mock your opponents until they’re so exasperated they resort to TYPING IN ALL CAPS. That’s a forfeit, in my book. DING! DING! DING! “And the winner, by inane technicality, [YOUR NAME]” *imaginary crowd roars*
FIVE – Like me, you’re a conflicted capitalist. You’re quite fond of money and things and stuff. Alas, it turns out despite your best efforts, you’re no Don Draper (or female equivalent). You’re more like a real person with thoughts and feelings and heck, even the occasional scruple. When you drink like Don Draper, you die before you get through season one of the Mad Men box set, or at the very least, you gain enough weight that you’re forced to spend hours on a treadmill in a futile attempt to remain conventionally attractive while you ponder if there’s a better way to do things. There is. The answer is right in front of you, as long as you don’t scroll anywhere or click on another tab.
So there you have it! The top five reasons you should buy my course, Have Your Way With Words.
Learn more about what’s in Have Your Way With Words by clicking here with all the gusto you can muster.
If nothing else, I hope you enjoyed reading this piece as much as I enjoyed writing it. I should probably try and do this for a living someday.
Jon[¹] Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)