The Drunk Cold Email That Changed My Life

I ran a digital marketing agency and about a year in, my word of mouth leads dried up.

I was desperate for sales and I dealt with that in the only way us Brits know how... I got blind drunk.

... In that time, I decided to write the most absurd cold email I could.

I was still tipsy enough in the morning to think it was a good idea to send my email to Marketing Directors, CEOs and other senior people at some of the world's largest brands and corporations.

To my amazement, it worked.

Take a look at these screenshots. 

These are the result of my desperate, drunk cold email.

There's more where that came from. I've saved them all. This might show my insecurity somewhat!

I’ve met with senior decision makers at RedBull, Pepsi, Symantec, Hewlett-Packard, Cisco, HSBC, Barclays, and countless other global brands, exciting start-ups and SMEs.

It turns out B2B doesn't have to mean Boring-2-Boring!

Here's the original drunk cold email:

It's irreverent and different. 

It's exceptional.

That's why it works.

It doesn't look like the same bland, boring cold emails that everyone else sends...

I started Charm Offensive in March 2017, and in that time, I've created loads more better, effective cold pitch templates.

Here's a few more screenshots for you. This time let's show some results from people who used my templates...

Want to get your hands on my latest and greatest templates?

Introducing My Charming Cold Open Template Pack

The right words in the right order to the right people can get you anywhere in life

My Charming Cold Open Template Pack can help you make those asks in the most effective way possible.

This pack includes the following effective templates:

  • When you dial down the absurdity a little; I’ve included a more succinct, less silly (but still charming) email to send prospects.

  • A ridiculously honest cold pitch for when you have loads of knowledge - but no experience. Solving the old ‘experience’ dilemma, while making playful fun of it for your own persuasive benefit.

  • Moving from working in the corporate world to becoming a freelance consultant. This cold pitch helps you get responses from old colleagues, suppliers, and clients.

  • Offering a brainstorm or audit for the deliberately attention-demanding price of just $1. This diabolically cheeky cold pitch will get attention - and responses.

  • Sending to prospects who’ve been in the news, for good or ill.

  • Messaging prospects who have posted something interesting recently on LinkedIn.

  • Targeting prospects on Instagram through email or DM.

  • Book introductory meetings with local prospects at a bar of your choosing.

  • Getting your little toe in the door with a curious cold pitch that introduces yourself without a blatant pitch in the first message.

  • A fawning, gushing email to send to your absolute dream clients that they will struggle to ignore.

  • Getting the attention of prospects in a niche where you have vast experience.

  • Generating responses from local businesses by messaging their Facebook Page.

  • Getting work when you’re just starting out. This cold pitch offers simple, easy to create audits or consultancy documents for free (*gulp*) when starting out, so you can build up some social proof (to help you sell stuff for money!)

  • Offering your services in exchange for a product, a ticket to an event, or anything else you have your eye on.

  • Responding to a LinkedIn post a prospect has made with a comment, and then a follow-up direct message.

  • Introducing yourself to blue-collar businesses (who are often more suspicious of professional marketing / sales / advertising types) that builds rapport and trust.

  • Getting in touch with individual client contacts who've left their position at your client’s company to work elsewhere.

  • A WAY OVER THE TOP cold messaging sequence to send to prospects entitled “THE TOP 5 REASONS YOU SHOULD WORK WITH ME” - This can be personalised if your prospect has sufficient information on their public social media profiles.

  • A daring, stark, and hilariously desperate cold pitch that most people won’t send but that just might work.

  • A comical cold pitch containing hilarious copy, and a blatantly photoshopped picture of you and the client.

  • A fun message to send to prospects when you’re procrastinating on other more boring work.

  • A personalised invitation and follow-up message to send prospects on LinkedIn based on their profile - and their recommendations.

  • A sweet message to send companies of which you’re a regular customer / loyal advocate.

  • A charm-soaked message to send to gatekeepers, to cajole them into mentioning you to their boss.

  • A delightful message to send someone you look up to for mentoring in a way that stands out and gets a response.

  • A sweet but confident message for getting the attention of companies with marketing campaigns you personally enjoy.

  • An audacious craigslist post offering your services to local businesses in your area.

  • A provocative job board ad you can post to win copywriting leads.

  • A disarming direct message to respond to jobs posted on LinkedIn or Facebook.

  • A “buddy-buddy” cold pitch to send to prospects who run Facebook ads or Google AdWords campaigns that really should be improved.

  • A new & improved (and more succinct) cold pitch to send to invite yourself onto podcasts.

  • A fun social media post in the form of a job advert that’s actually an amusing pitch for your ideal client.

  • A ridiculous opening gambit where you go way overboard on the personalisation of your message, mocking the ridiculous amount of information you’ve been able to assemble from your social media sleuthing.

  • A yet further amusing opening gambit to send to prospects who have little to no information on their social media platforms.

  • A gutsy cold pitch that combines copy and a brief introductory video of yourself.

  • An alluring letter to send to entire departments at businesses you’d like to do business with.

  • This template pack is worth $600 on its own.

    However, you can get it today - for the special "I just learned about Charm Offensive and I want in" price of just $39 / £29 / €33.


    Download My Effective, Proven Charming Templates

    You get 4 awesome bonuses too!

    Bonus 1: Creative & Daring Marketing Swipe File (Value: $40)

    My swipe file of awesome, daring, disruptive website copy, emails, guerrilla marketing, direct mail campaigns, pr campaigns and content marketing.

    Bonus 2: How To Be Somewhat Funny. (Value: $130)

    This 51-page guide shows you how to write more entertaining copy, providing you with joke formulas, rhetorical devices, and writing exercises. 

    Bonus 3: Promote Yourself Playbook mini training session. (Value: $130)

    This training video runs through 10 quick and easy tactics to generate leads immediately. 

    Bonus 4: B2B Sales Mini Guide (Value: $160)

    I provide prescriptive recommendations on exactly what activity you should be pursuing every day to generate leads. 

    Let's look at what's in this pack:

    • The Charming Cold Open Template Pack: $600
    • Creative & Daring Marketing Swipe File: $40
    • How To Be Somewhat Funny: $130
    • Promote Yourself Playbook: $130
    • B2B Sales Mini Guide: $160
    • Total Value: $1,060

    Get the pack today for just $39 / £29 / €33.

    Please, do enjoy some success stories:

    (Click to watch)

    You can get results like these.

    And you can get them immediately.

    Just grab my templates.

    Start using them.

    Start waking up to an inbox full of compliments and new opportunities.

    Frequently Asked Questions (and helpfully, answers!)

    How can I trust you? How do I know this is legit?
    First of all, you are right to be cautious. The internet harbours many a charlatan. However, I am no such cowboy. 

    I think the most compelling evidence I have is my LinkedIn Recommendations. To take a look at these, search for "Jon Buchan" on LinkedIn. You'll know you've found the right profile when it looks like the screenshot below.

    (Yes, my profile picture shows me rescuing a baby and a basket of kittens from a burning building...)

    If you scroll down to my recommendations, you'll notice these date all the way back to 2007 and provide some evidence of my character, work ethic, and other non-charlatan tendencies.

    You'll notice there is a recommendation from one of my contacts at Symantec.

    Symantec was the first gargantuan client I won using my original drunk cold email.

    I still have a screenshot of their response! 

    I remember winning this deal. My friend James remembers how I celebrated this news...

    I asked James if he could find the photo. Alas, he could not. I would have included the photo here but it appears lost to history. My apologies. I'm sure it would have been a delightful addition to this page.

    I'm glad that I used to celebrate my good news on Facebook because Facebook Memories reminds me of this from time to time, providing me with useful digital evidence of my previous successes.

    Oftentimes reminding me of meetings I had completely forgotten about, such as the one below:

    One minor note: The screenshot below is slightly incorrect. I was meeting the Head of Marketing for The Disney Channel, not the whole of Walt Disney.

    If you need further proof that my weird ways work, you can check out the plethora of testimonials on this page. If you wish to see more, check out the "PEOPLE SAYING NICE THINGS ABOUT ME" tag on the Charm Offensive Facebook Group.

    I've included a few choice examples of these testimonials for your viewing pleasure below:

    Damn, I love hearing these success stories. :-) It always makes my day.

    But my industry is boring! I don't believe they can work! 

    You are making assumptions here. Don't be job title-ist. It's 2020! :D

    I've used Charming Copy to successfully generate responses from Marketing Directors, to Chief Technology Officers, to Finance Directors, to CEOs, and everyone in between.

    The Charm Offensive approach does not discriminate. It works on people. People who enjoy the exciting taboo of smiling occasionally at work. These are usually lovely people to work with, too. ;)

    But do these positive responses actually lead to new clients?

    Of course. That's the whole point. :)

    Now, you won't close deals with every lead. That would be impossible, even for the greatest salesperson alive.

    However, you'll always be able to start conversations with your ideal clients. That is incredibly powerful. 

    Surely senior decision makers will be put off by such an approach?

    This assumption is incorrect.

    Such important folks don't wish to be put on a pedestal. (And any that do aren't worth working with! Life is too short for asshole clients.)

    Here's the response I got from the Senior Marketing Director at Hewlett Packard Enterprise:

    When I met her, she told me, "I don't even reply to emails from my own staff most of the time, let alone unsolicited pitches, so well done!"

    They will be impressed by your moxie, and should they require your services, they will likely reward you with a response and a call or meeting. BOOM!

    Won't these templates stop working if everyone is using them?

    Think about how many businesses are in one city. Then think about how many are in one country. Then think about how many there are in the world. Now think about how many people work in those companies.

    That's a lot of people.

    And thankfully, we're not all emailing the same person!

    So no, this isn't something you need to worry about. 

    Also, you can personalise the templates as much as you desire. Make them your own.

    I don't like the idea of cold pitching. I hate cold pitches myself.

    If you don't cold pitch, you don't get to pick who your clients are.

    This is the single biggest benefit of cold pitching. You are in complete control.

    This is something you'll need to get over. Never fear, when you start receiving gushing, positive responses, you'll soon get addicted to cold pitching.

    Will these work on LinkedIn?

    Yep. All of the templates can be used on LinkedIn.

    Yet better, I've included a Charming LinkedIn connection request template and a Charming LinkedIn direct message template in this bundle.

    And yes, they work too:

    Why are these better than all the standard 'cold email/message' templates you can get online?

    They don't suck :-)

    They are written to get a positive reaction out of your recipients. 

    If everyone is sending the same dross, nobody stands out - and everyone gets ignored.

    These templates are your chance to stand out from the countless boring pitches that your prospects get - and get a smirk, smile, or a laugh out of them. Prospects are far more likely to respond, and respond positively, if they have a smile on their face while reading your pitch.

    Prospects will often respond informally. They ditch the serious 'veneer' of most business correspondence. This is a huge advantage over your competing suppliers. 

    You get to make the best first impression possible. 

    I'm not a funny person. Can I still use these templates?

    Yep. I never tried to be hilarious after the initial pitch. Once my foot was in the door, I would follow up and show my enthusiasm and knowledge. Prospects know that you're trying to get their attention with a clever opening gambit. They don't expect you to act like a clown! 

    What sectors will these templates work in?

    Any sector. Any level of seniority. They work on people. If you're pitching to people, you'll have success with these templates.

    You get the idea... :D

    I had to stop myself including more testimonial screenshots...

    I hope this deluge of evidence has aided you in persuading yourself to make the financially prudent decision to invest in my Charming Cold Pitch Template Pack.

    There's only one thing left to do... ;)



    (c) Logical Absurdity Ltd T/A Charm Offensive