Swipe & Share: Freelance Professional Services Sales Letter

I decided to have a go at writing a sales page for freelance professionals.

The overarching structure and humour could be used by anyone selling their time really.

Why am I doing this?

  1. I want to see if I can do it.
  2. I want to build my audience, and I’m hoping enough people enjoy this, and enough of the people who do enjoy it, will share it on social media using the convenient buttons located at the bottom of this page.

I’ve created a sales page for a talented yet completely made up freelance copywriter, “Joe Duchan”.

Ok. Time to become my alter-ego... See you on the other side... (At the bottom of the page. You'll see a pink headline...)



Greetings Reader,

My name is Joe Duchan. I’m a freelance copywriter and digital marketing consultant who you’ve likely never heard of - until you somehow found your way onto this newly erected long-ass sales letter. 

This is where I’m meant to wax lyrical about my accomplishments, inform you of my many media appearances, and nonchalantly insert a selfie of me and Gary Vaynerchuk, Russell Brunson, or some other successful person in the vein hope some of their luster rubs off on little old me.

Well, if you expected this sales letter to serenade you with a slick, confident pitch, you are in for a rude awakening. Because I’m not going to do that.

Instead, I’m going to be disconcertingly honest. That is, I’m going to produce a sales letter I will enjoy writing while attracting clients who enjoy reading it - while simultaneously repelling those with poor taste. Crafty!

I’m hoping to find prospects who both find me funny - and have money. The latter part is key, for my lifelong addiction to food and shelter shows no sign of abating. 


If you’re still reading this, it means you think I’m at least somewhat interesting. Either that, or your procrastinating and you’d read just about anything tenuously related to ‘work” right now.

Either way, you’re here, milling around in my sales funnel, and that’s what matters. 



I may have alluded to this earlier, but I’m a Freelance Copywriter For Hire. I write all sorts of stuff. Sales pages. Sales emails. Facebook Ads. And the finest catty complaint letters you’ll ever come across. 

Oh, I may be a laid-back, mild-mannered Freelance Copywriter For Hire, but if my Internet connection occasionally drops, my broadband provider best be prepared to feel my wordy wrath. Woe betide the enormous, faceless, $billion-revenue corporation that temporarily inconveniences me. They will hear some sarcastic comments and cutting word-play they won’t soon forget.

I feel like I have given too much emphasis to that last skill. While smug complaint letter writing is a skill I possess in spades, it’s not the most monetisable of skills. But upon writing the throwaway line about writing ‘catty complaint letters’, I remembered the last time my Internet down for what seemed like almost an hour, and I couldn’t resist elaborating further.

“Joe Duchan is the best copywriter we’ve ever hired.”

- Tim Jones, Managing Director, SlickAgency.

I suffer from a curious quirk: I’m able to sell pretty much anything with generous servings of gusto, except for myself.

To remedy this, and finally move this sales page from the “drafts” folder to the “oh my god, it’s ready… time to see if it works” folder, I'll tactically deploy the words of others.

In order to coax you into reading all of the testimonials below, I’ve included a fake one.

Can you figure out which one it is?

Technically, the fake one is still true. :D

If you’d like to hear more nice words about me, head over to my LinkedIn profile and take a gander at my recommendations, or call my mother. She is quite the advocate.


You forgot I’d started a list, didn't you? (I had too…)

I’m from the United Kingdom. I live in London. As proof, and to take up space on this page, here’s a totally non-staged photo of me drinking a massive cup of tea, while wearing a Union Jack cape - and looking lustfully at Big Ben. 


Caption: Just an ordinary Londoner Monday morning


I cut my teeth in the industry working as a PPC Consultant for agencies in London, ensuring clients who gave lots of money to Google did so profitably.

I’ve even worked on a few Bing campaigns in my time, but let’s save that exciting chestnut for another day.

I did this for 5 years - and worked with an enormous variety of clients. The logos of the most prestigious, infamous, or otherwise noteworthy clients I worked with can be found below.

{Get a pretend one done - with funny client names/logos similar to big brand}


I have a cute cat called Rupert:


I love Rupert, but it must be said, he rarely, if ever, earns his keep. Not once has he helped with the rent. But that’s fine, as Rupert is a dab hand at making me smile. Usually, this involves making this face:


This relaxes me when I have urgent deadlines to meet. He has a knack of knowing when I’ve exhausted my creative potential for the day and gets his message across without so much as whispering the words. No, no. He is far more tactful than that.

Only last week, I was working on the terrible first draft of this sales letter, and getting absolutely nowhere. Rupert had seen enough, and made his move:

Touche, Rupert. Touche. 


I can help pretty much any business with an online presence to make more money. I’ve worked with clients in more sectors than I knew existed, from enterprise encryption providers - to purveyors of fine, hand-crafted, gluten-free furniture.

This seems an appropriate time as any to insert more screenshots of people confirming my competence, punctuality, amiability, and occasionally frenetic but well-meaning creative energy...



If I am to pursue my lofty dreams of relative-prosperity, I’m going to have to turn you from a passive reader into an engaged prospect.

I’m willing to come up with a range of ideas for any campaigns you’re working on and/or provide recommendations to improve your existing sales copy.

My hope is that providing this to consenting prospects will get my foot in the door with enough companies who might pay me to implement the ideas and recommendations I’ve conjured - or work on other projects you deem to be a good fit / are keen about outsourcing because you want to finally rid it from your to-do list.

If you’d like some ideas on how to improve your sales copy, or other recommendations that will improve your digital marketing ROI, fill in the form below and click the “HELP ME, MASTER DUCHAN. OH, DO BESTOW UPON ME YOUR PROMOTIONAL WIZADRY” button. (It’s the green one.)

{FORM - Have some funny questions as well as qualifying ones}


What self-respecting long-ass sales letter doesn’t contain a plethora of free bonuses?

In keeping with tradition, I have included some below.


I am genuinely obsessed by copywriting, digital marketing and using these disciplines to make my clients more money.



I have amassed quite the network of talented designers, UX experts, analytics consultants and other talented folks who, if needed, can involve on projects that require their specific expertise and abilities. These folks are all personable, prompt, punctual, creative and clever. And on top of that, their fees won’t make your eyes bulge out of their sockets. 


While I welcome any kind of work, I would like to work with more clients on a monthly retainer. Retainers give me reliable income - and you get a reliable resource. It’s win-win. Why have I included this in the “BONUS” section? I give my best rates to retainer clients. If you prefer paying less money for the same work, you’re in luck.


Book your free brainstorm today, and I’ll run through my ideas on a Skype / Zoom call with you. If you’re lucky, I won’t turn my video on. 

And that’s not at all, if you order before the countdown clock below ticks its last tock, I’ll throw in some hilariously awkward attempts at small talk for good measure. *WHILE STOCKS LAST*

Let's succinctly tot-up all the individual elements of my offer, shall we?

  • 1 “Ideas & Recommendations” document that seeks to answer the objectives provided.

  • 1 call to run through my ideas and recommendations.

  • Potentially, some hilariously inept attempts at relatable small talk before we delve into my ideas and why they will work.

  • All 3 of the majestic bonuses.

  • Access to my vast swipe file containing pictures of adorable animals donning top hats, monocles, and other items of sartorial elegance. 



Thank you for reading. 

Have an absolutely splendid day,





Ok. I’m out of character now. Good-bye Joe Duchan, you talented bastard. 

If you enjoyed this sales letter, feel free to swipe it, amend it, and use it to help you write your own non-boring, attention-grabbing, smirk-engendering sales letter.

And if you wouldn’t mind, it really would help me if you shared this piece on social media.

I’m happy to create more of this kind of content if it helps grow my audience.

The only way it can achieve this is if enough folks click the share buttons below.

Please share. Thank you! :-)


If you enjoyed this page - it stands to reason you might enjoy more of my writing.

If you’d like more swipeable copy and other smashing goodies, type your email address in the box below and click the button below.

{Where should we send your stuff: [          ]}

{CONTENT UPGRADE  - SWIPE FILE / B2B SALES MINI GUIDE / My drunk cold email template.}

Thanks for reading, and if you did, thank you yet further for sharing my stuff. I really appreciate it.

Stay outta trouble,

💞 Jon
(And my alter-ego, cutting-edge copywriter, Joe Duchan)

(c) Logical Absurdity Ltd 2019